Lost Read online

Lost

  by Kennie Kayoz

  Copyright 2015 Coyotes Publishing

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  A Chance To Look Back

  Got the chance to look back on my past.

  All my past report cards...From Junior Kindergarten up

  All say same thing.

  N.I - Need Improvement

  Kennie would rather keep to himself than talk out loud

  Perhaps it's because Kennie is tired of being made fun of.

  You may turn a deaf ear towards it.

  But I certainly can hear it.

  I never liked talking growing up.

  I still don't.

  Would rather write than speak.

  Even now in my 30s I still struggle.

  Been to speech therapy all through elementary school.

  They told me it helped.

  I still hear it, still got my speech impediment..

  I keep to myself.

  Even to my fiancée I don't say a whole lot.

  She understands.

  She says she can't hear it, but I hear it in my own voice.

  I know this will never end.

  I know I can't do anything about it.

  I've told her I would rather sew my lips shut.

  Rather than speak again.

  That's how much I hate the sound of my voice.

  I would be happy if I didn't talk again.

  All it's caused me is anger and grief.

  Kennie

  I Use To...

  While everyone seems to be reading what sounds like the same.

  They don't know that the past went with torture and pain.

  I started to write dark, as that was my outlook.

  But as my life changed so did my horror-scope.

  I then went through a time.

  That would include roses and wine.

  Triple X features

  Vibrating objects and things to leave you breathing heavy.

  I found I didn't accomplish anything that I wanted.

  As a few reviews talked bout how much they "enjoyed it" as they flaunted

  When they didn't want to read about the true story.

  Of one man with some lotion.

  The thoughts that would go through his head, like it was magical potion.

  My face stayed hidden for the course of this.

  When my face was finally seen.

  Many certainly did scream.

  Wondering how a monster could create something as such.

  That would have them wanting to caress and to touch.

  Depression sunk in.

  As my writing changed again.

  The past alter-egos put behind.

  Buried them in a grave.

  Only allowed one to stay.

  The man who continues to write today.

  Kennie

  Tired Of It All..

  I'm getting tired of it all.

  Always seems like it's the same shit over and over.

  I have no life, I have no friends.

  I have nothing good going for me.

  I'm too stupid to learn

  I get frustrated easy.

  Tired of listening to the same music.

  Can't find anything new that sounds good.

  My life is a constant record going round and round.

  I seen the start of each track.

  It all starts with me getting bored.

  Getting frustrated.

  My life won't change.

  I live in a small town

  My interests and hobbies would make for a good golf score.

  I have the hardest time paying attention.

  Nothing seems to interest me

  I get bored really easy

  I'm tired of it all

  Always seems like it's the same shit over and over

  I feel like I'm a broken record who always repeats, repeats, repeats

  Things that I use to find a interest in, I don't. I could care less about.

  Can't challenge myself, get too frustrated too quickly.

  Perhaps after 12 years of poetry.

  It's time to put my pen down.

  Kennie

  How Am I ?

  How am I suppose to say what I want.

  When I can't find the words that I want to say.

  How am I suppose to get through life.

  When everyone has turned away from me and my wife.

  Is there really a point to us being on this planet anymore.

  Or am I the one that everyone compares there lives to.

  Saying "yea my life sucks but at least it's not like..."

  How am I suppose to keep up with everyone else.

  When it feels like I'm standing still and everyone is flying by.

  How am I suppose to do something with my life.

  When nobody is giving me a chance to make anything of it.

  Kennie

  Tired Of Life

  I'm tired of my life.

  Each time I look at a clock it's me counting down.

  Counting down until bed time.

  The only place that I'm happy is when I'm in bed and sleeping

  No need to worry, no need to think, no need to care.

  Just let me rest.

  When I wake up I feel like I'm stuck in the same day on repeat.

  Am I stuck in the movie groundhog day

  I'm tired of the same shit going on.

  My life isn't about to change anytime soon

  I'm stuck, I feel like the walls are closing in on me.

  I feel like I can't get out.

  Nothing I do makes a difference.

  Nothing I can do will affect the outcome.

  Kennie

  Changing My Mind

  I tend to change my mind more than some people breathe.

  One minute my mind is set on something, the next it's something else as I try to set my mind at ease.

  Tried growing my hair, wanted to do something with it.

  Got to the point of saying "fuck it" shaved it, now done with it.

  At times my thoughts are systematic

  Which turns my bodies reaction to automatic

  My mind is too busy thinking bout something much more

  Interesting to even pay attention to whatever it is that has me wanting to snore.

  You then go off and tell me I'm pathetic.

  My reaction is to drown you out, turn up my music... That's me in automatic

  I'm pathetic because my life doesn't revolve around what you want.

  You only come calling when there's something that you want.

  If you didn't want anything.

  You would never speak to me.

  I'm the last thought on your mind

  In my eyes, that's fine.

  Hope I get the chance to move out

  So I no longer have to listen to you scream and shout

  To leave this all behind

  Is something I look forward to, I'll never end up pushing rewind

  Kennie

  I Want To Write

  I want to write

  I want to write something that touches people

  Something that change peoples thoughts

  Maybe something touching.

  Something to perhaps bring a tear to there eye.

  Or maybe I want to write something to have them sitting on the edge of there seats.

  Biting there nails in suspense of what's going to happen next.

  Perhaps I want to write something that causes them to want to be intimate with themselves.

  Something that spawns the
desire like nothing else.

  To have them want some alone time.

  To thank me when it's done.

  I want to write something that may take them into a story.

  Perhaps to live as a character

  To walk through a story that I have laid out for them.

  To feel what I want them to feel

  I want to write, something different

  But I don't know if it'll ever be

  I don't know if I'll be able to sit down and write about all that I do.

  Always have so much going on.

  Kennie

  Wish I Could Find Home

  Wish I could find home.

  Wish I could find a place to call home.

  All I got is a place that I'm forced to live.

  I'm tired of being here.

  33 years and still nothing going for me.

  Nothing seems to be coming forward to give me a chance.

  Wish I could find home.

  A place I can call home

  Wish I could find home.

  To some place where I can smile

  Wish I could find home.

  For what little time I have left.

  This place isn't doing anything for me.

  Always trying other methods to drown things out.

  Stayed away from alcohol and drugs

  Wish I could find home.

  A place I can call home

  Wish I could find home.

  To some place where I can smile

  Wish I could find home.

  For what little time I have left.

  Kennie

  Freezing In The Cold

  What the hell is going on.

  I leave one house that I find cold.

  In another to house sit and can't get warm.

  Earlier I was comfortable now I feel like I have to pile it all on.

  Blankets on blankets

  Sweaters on sweaters

  I want my heated blanket.

  Already I feel like I can't get to sleep because I'm that cold

  Trying to house sit for the in-laws

  But I feel I was better off where I was.

  I can't stand this.

  I feel cold and angry.

  I think I maybe sick.

  That's how cold I feel

  I can't get warm

  This is going to be a long long night

  At this point in time I have two weeks

  Two weeks to deal with this.

  What the hell

  Why does this cold fucking follow me

  Kennie

  So Bored

  Why am I so bored ?

  My brain keeps coming up with ideas.

  But as I start them, they seem boring.

  One day I decided to stop my blog.

  In a day or two after I decided to start my site.

  Day three hits and I wasn't happy.

  I stuck with the website.

  Now I started a blog again.

  Brought in many old posts.

  Now I'm unsure.

  TV is no different

  A show looks good

  I sit and watch

  Two or three episodes I'm bored

  Video games same as well

  I buy one that looks great

  Get playing, few minutes

  I'm bored.

  Computers, you guessed it.

  Always trying to learn.

  Got bored with Windows

  Tried linux, didn't last.

  Nothing seems to last.

  I'm stuck in a endless cycle.

  Feel like I'm Bill Murray

  Is it ground hog day.

  Everyone keeps moving forward

  But I'm stuck.

  I've grown to hate being alone.

  Told my fiancee that.

  But the way life is, I have no choice.

  She goes to work.

  I sit all alone.

  Trying to do something with my time.

  She gets home at night, asks me what I did.

  At that time she feels sorry for me.

  I can't seem to find any interests.

  Kennie